I miss my friend!

Part of this last year has been a haze. Although, I have struggled, I know two people have struggled more. But I still DO struggle, even if not at the same capacity my feelings are still relevant, even if only to myself.

I lost a brother this year...and even tho not by death the loss is still very real. I will never get to see him in the same way. We will not chat at family party's or see each other on special occasions. The world isn't the same and I can't wrap my head around it...still...after some time. It has rocked me....

Time, is the only thing I can think of that will help me heal, but it moves so slow. 

I love and miss you, and I wish I could help you heal as well. You will always be my brother and always be my friend. 

Look What Is Finally Here!

June 4th I received this in the mail.

I waited almost a week to post about this because I didn't know if I should.  I mostly am for journal purposes. Try to ignore my negative demeanor.

The last 3 years I have gone to school non-stop, not including summers.  I went from full-time in class, to part-time online, back to part-time in class.  I can't even explain how selfish I have felt in doing this.

What? Selfish?  That's right, this school experience has taken so much time away from my kids and husband.  Plus, the whole time I was going and getting in a mountain of debt I knew that this degree wouldn't help our family out financially!  Sounds pretty selfish right?   Then, I decided I wouldn't finish after all but instead get an associates degree and stop because I couldn't justify anymore spending.

I can't describe how much work and tears went into my schooling, and yet I don't feel like I can celebrate it.  My brother, asked if I felt relief, the answer is I don't, I feel unfinished.  I feel like there is more for me to do.  But for some reason I can't go anymore until I am either closer to school or have a place for my kids to be.  I decided to be a mom, and that is what I need to focus on, because balancing home and school is tough.  I don't feel like you can give 100% if your time is so split up.

Kade is the one that should be given a certificate.  He would go to work everyday, just to come home and be with the kids, while I hid in the bedroom with my books.  He is seriously so patient and hard working.  He puts his kids first, spends so much time with them, and because of this they will always know he loves them more then life.

Ignore the really yucky nose.  We were riding four-wheelers...and having a blast.  

Complainer

Yes, today I am going to complain. I have so many blessings that I have no room to utter anything negative but maybe if I talk I will get all my frustrations out. JOBS!!! We all need them to make money and pay the bills. I feel like with our house it is always negative when it comes to the job front. 

 I am busy going to school and I am so glad there are less then 3 weeks left! Kade since about 3 weeks ago has been gone for work like 24/7. I hate it, there is no time for me to do homework, because the kids have to be in bed before I get time to work on anything. I love that Kade has a job, but when he does he is either gone so much, or never getting enough work. There is never a happy medium of him working 9-5, mon-fri.

He put in over 120 hours the last two weeks! The sad part is that he isn't getting paid very awesome, no overtime, so to me I rather have him home then have him making a tiny bit of money and NEVER being home. BLAAA, I am so ready for this semester to be over and to have kids and cleaning as my only stress. BRING ON SUMMER!

He is right now cutting lawns for the bank, on repoed homes.  And man these poor lawns look awful.

We love you Kade!  Wish you were always home!  :D

I guess there always has to be stress and something to complain about.  At least we all are healthy and together with food and a roof!  I love life, just wish there were clearer answers sometimes.

 We are abundantly blessed, I just have to get things off my chest sometimes.

Feelings/Thoughts ~RANDOM~ but mine.

I feel FREE, and it is amazing. ;D Probably has a lot to do with the fact that Kade and I are the only adults in the house now!  WAHOO!

I am not exactly free though...cuz today is the last day of summer for me. I am so excited, but very nervous to start school. I feel like things haven't completely fallen into place, but they are getting there.

I have this bad habit where I look at everyone around me and wish my life was as perfect as theirs...I know no one has a perfect life, but they make it seem that way.

I think Facebook really has an effect on me.  When I am on it a lot, I covet and wish my life was more like someone else's...when I don't even know what their life is like.  I am always wanting more, more, more...I need to  try harder to put off the natural man I guess.

Sometimes I really feel picked on like I can't handle all the things I am supposed to. Pretty soon I will have two babies, and I am not sure why I am trusted with that HARD blessing.   Heavenly Father is all knowing and I just have to close my eyes and breath, knowing it will all be okay, we are living on prayers at our house!

 Heavenly Father is always watching my back, I don't know why I second guess him, after all he is God, through him all things are possible. Some days I wonder how the bills will be paid and then we are blessed and able to make it through the month...we are pretty lucky.  Things are always happening that give me such strong faith in HIM and His plan.  I feel like our family is the saying...we may not have it all together, but together we have it all.  My children truly bring joy into my home that I could get no other way.  We are blessed as a family to have each other.

I love that I am so blessed with the family I have. I don't know if they feel the same way, but our relationships are so unique and perfect in there own ways.

Last of all, Kade.  He is wonderful and puts up with my mood swings and crazy days.  I don't know how I got so lucky to have a man in my life that always treats me like a princess.

Although life is ruff and you never know what is around the corner, I know my family will always be there, we can be together forever!

Is there such a thing as being too nice?

Yes! I have the worst curse EVER. I seriously have the hardest time saying no. If I happen to say no, it doesn't take long to pressure me into a yes.

The last 2 weeks of work I have not gotten off on time. There is always an issue. Someone always needs to leave early, or someone doesn't show up...so when they ask me to cover, I say yes. Even if I have a great excuse, I end up staying.

Someone close to me once told me I had an amazing GIFT of kindness. But lately I see it more as a draining curse. It is not just at work. I feel like I get taken advantage of, because I feel bad and do what I think is the nice thing to do, even if it takes away from my family. I don't stand up enough for myself and cant always express my needs, so while I am too nice to others, I am being mean to myself.

I have often heard other people tell me you can never be too nice.

I don't feel like I sacrifice a lot, or give people too much. I'm not awesome like that, that is my husbands department.

There have been times, now and in the past, where I have lived with people. I am to scared of being mean, to ask them to help with things, like chores. I am just so afraid I will say something wrong or that I might offend, that I rather suck it up and do everything myself instead of having them do their part. Plus if I do it, I know it is done right...RIGHT KADE! ;D There is also a pride issue, I think that I should be able to handle everything by myself, I don't need help.

I guess I am just terrified. Because when it comes down to it, I CAN say no, or ask people to do things, but in the long run, is it worth it? What if I stepped on someones toes? Do I want the few friends that I have to not like me? IDK I feel like the reason for having such a hard time saying no is, because in my heart I feel like that is being mean. If I am being mean...well that isn't okay with me.

The thing is, sometimes it wears me down. Sometimes, I just want to be selfish. I get tired of being nice, so I become resentful. I feel like people take advantage of me because I am willing to do things. When in reality, they probably have NO idea how I feel. It is honestly unhealthy to be too nice...it takes away from me emotionally and physically.

I am hoping I can learn to be nice, but know when it is okay to say NO, or HELP.

Any suggestions?