Heavy Feelings

I feel like I haven't written as much as I would like. Mostly because I've been filled with different emotions. I've been trying to sort through things the last month and although life can be confusing it helps to have an understanding husband and comfort knowing God is over all. This is a heavy post; skip now if you need something more uplifting. :)

Around a month ago I had a cousin who ended his life. From what I understand he fought a long hard battle and I hope he has found his piece. The darkness can be so thick at times, and some people may never understand the fog, I myself have caught glimpses of the dark.  I find it very hurtful whenever people talk about suicide being selfish or cowardly, if you don't understand these heavy emotions please don't judge those who live with them. Fighting is how it should be describe, and it is EXHAUSTING. 

The battles I have fought are probably not even close in difficulty compared to other peoples.  I feel I understand a little and am very empathetic towards anyone who has ever felt the desire to end their pain and suffering. 

Suicide always raises questions and I often wish I would have done or said something to help. I don't want other family members or friends to ever feel alone or embarrassed by their emotions.  If talking about it would have saved one of my two handsome cousin's lives, I wish I would have spoken up.  I wish I would have known they were struggling.  I am sad to know, how sad they must have been.

At Riley's funeral the bishop spoke; it really stuck with me.  He talked about how Riley will have some things to work on in the after life; but not to judge and not to forget that we all do (have things we need to work on). Like Riley I must work on myself;  I don't know what is to come.   I took such comfort being reminded that I need to focus on myself and bettering myself; I am the only person I have any control over.

Right now my immediate family has been going through some hard emotions, I am being vague but I just need to get some of it out.  Maybe at a later date I will be able to talk about it more.  Change is hard and so is fighting; I feel right now that we are more divided that united, I hate it! My head has been really tied up with the roller coaster of it all., I take comfort in knowing there is an end somewhere and that we will all work it out, because in the end we are family!

Life is difficult sometimes, but only to see the greatness around us!

Double Trouble

First off I'm a little embarrassed writing this, mostly because I compare 

myself WAY too much to other people. YES, I took a long time before even attempting to potty train. 

Last year before Drake turned 3, he was pretty much potty trained. I never could get him to go #2 in the potty!  For three weeks he only had one accident a day, always #2.

 I tried everything I could think of. Asked advice, but it never clicked. I figured he just wasn't quite ready for it. 

Then January came and I was traveling to school, my kids were going to a sitters, so back in diapers he went. 

And for me changing diapers isn't too bad,there are worse things.

School ended and I was sick, tired, and pregnant. In T - 3 months I would have a new baby, I was terrified of regression. So I put off potty training again, I was glad because we ended up moving AND having a baby. 

On a side note both big kids slept in our bed quite a bit the first month of moving. I don't know if it was the baby, moving, or both. They had so many night terrors, I never thought it would end. We had to have a toddler bed in our room for Addy for two months because she wanted to sleep in our bed and that was the solution. So she slept in her bed in our room and it was a relief. Slowly she went back to her room! 

On thanksgiving we were with my family, my sister Anne Marie, made my kids a deal. She told them she would let them pick a toy from toys R us if they got potty trained. They wanted to start immediately.

The next day with them being very motivated we started. I was very reluctant, I have a two-month-old and I don't really have time to be watching them go potty all day. My goal was to start potty training when Lex needed me less. But they were ready, so I wasn't going to say no.

To my surprise Drake didn't have an accident for the first two days. But on the third day he had to go number two....and I was back to the same problem as last year

Basically, I had them only in underwear or unders as the kids call them, sometimes a shirt too. I timed potty trips, gave mini peanut butter cups when they went potty. 

Addyson had never trained at all. After staying on the potty most of the morning she finally peed and finally understood what muscles to control. She had a few accidents but she would stop the flow and run to the bathroom. So no major clean up. She was completely trained in a week. She was such a breeze. She knows when she needs to go. One problem is when she doesn't have a potty seat she gets scared, so we bring it with us for now. 

Week two, Addy was doing wonderful, Drake always managed to sneak away and have an accident every other day. I again was asking everyone's advice. I always kept him in my sights. No luck. The day after his birthday I was helping Addy go and they tend to have similar schedules. So I called his name...no answer. I ran around till I found him hiding behind the couch. He was working on it but I got him in time. I made him sit until he went potty. Just like I thought, once he relized he wasn't doing something naughty it clicked. A week and no accidents. Whoop! Whoop!

I'm writting this because I finally feel like we are in the clear. And I'm pretty darn excited. Drake has peed the bed twice total and both times he fell asleep and we put him to bed, so he didn't have a chance to go before bed.

Even though I was grumpy at first, I'm excited now. I  feel like I'm always forgetting something because I only change Lex and it's plain weird. I'm sure they will get their Toys R Us trip any day now.  For some reason aunt bribery is the most effective kind ;)

Personally this milestone is one of the hardest. All you parents that have done it are simply rock stars! It was nice to get two done at once. I did the same work with double the results :) 

When Addy went #2 we let her pick out a new pack of unders. She wanted hello kitty!  Drake got Cars underwear!

This is how they dress most of the time, no pants! No pants, are the best kind of pants,  in my opinion. 

The other day Drake found the flap on the front of his underwear and it thought it was cool to let it all hang out! HAHA :D

Life with my three littles

It hadn't been a terribly long time since I had a newborn, two years nine months. But there were so much that I forgot. I remember all the good things the snuggles, the kisses, the smiles, the coos, the soft cheeks. Maybe as mothers we forget the harder parts. Or maybe it's just me that forgot.

I forgot how much babies need, how much they poop, how much they cry, how much laundry they produce, how much they eat, and how much rocking and bouncing they require. 

I am not complaining, it just came as a shock. I thought because I have other children, that another baby wouldn't phase me at all, but I forgot how tired I get.

I love rocking him, and that's what I do most of the day. He's gotten to the point where he wants to be held all the time. This is how most of our days are spent, and I'm trying to soak it up while it lasts. Already he sleeps less and wants to play more, and soon enough he won't be snuggling up to me at all. 

We both get grumpy when we are woken up. :)

I do feel bad for the lack of attention my older kids get. I feel bad most of all for Kade. He comes home from working 10 hour shifts, with a messy house, no dinner, and massive laundry piles. He often has to request that I do laundry so he has pants and socks to wear. :) my house is never clean and far from presentable. I hope I eventually will get to where I can keep up, but that is far, far away. I feel like I fail most days, but mostly this is my attitude. 

I just have to remember, no one has died, I must be doing something right. GO ME!

November 4, 2014 Addys visit to the ER

It was a normal night, dinner was cooking in the crockpot.  I was feeling dozy, snuggling Lex, waiting for Kade to get home, so I could go for a walk.  I heard a gagging noise, and shot up off the couch to find Addyson clearly choking on something.  Before I could get to her, I saw her swallow and immediately she started to bawl.  She choked some words out, I had her repeat herself, until I could understand her through her sobs.  She said, "I swallowed my money!"  In a panic, I called her pediatric center, no answer.  I then called the ER.  They asked if I knew what type of coin, I had no idea.  She said that it would be smart to have her x-rayed to make sure it was moving through just fine.  They then asked if she was in pain?  She hadn't stopped screaming and crying since, so I took a wild guess and said she was.  The nurse told me to come one in to have her checked out.  This was around 6.

It took me a half an hour to get everyone loaded in the car.  I couldn't get Addyson to stop screaming through that time.    I wasn't sure if she was terrified from almost choking, if the coin was hurting her, or both. I called and told Kade where to meet me, he was driving on the interstate, on his way home from work.  

Between meeting with Kade, and searching high and low for my missing wallet, were were on our way to the hospital.  Kade got in the truck and drove, I slumped in the passenger seat sobbing along with Addyson.  She soon fell asleep, and we reached the ER, it was a little after 7.

While we were getting checked in, Kade held Addy she was very lethargic and wouldn't answer any questions. We were finally pulled back into a room, just to wait for the x-ray technician.  After about a half hour, Addy perked up and was playing like her normal self.  The nurse brought in some crayons and coloring pages.  

Finally they brought in an x-ray machine.  Addyson doesn't do the best with strangers or strange places, I was worried she would have a fit with the x-ray.  She was so brave and did exactly what they needed her to do.  I was very proud of her.  

We were told that it looked like a small coin and that it was moving along like they would expect it.  I was relieved it wasn't a quarter, those don't come out on their own.  I was told what I figured they would tell me.  That it will pass on it's own and to watch for it.  If it didn't come on its own in 48 hours, if she has pain, or abnormal symptoms to bring her back.  

After, I couldn't help but feel so blessed on the outcome.  Things could have gone a different direction tonight.  

Now, Addyson likes to tell people that she has money in her tummy.  And she also advises people not to put money in their mouth :) She is trying to spread her wisdom.

About 48 hours later we found this beauty!

A green and purple dime!

Playing Catch Up (Our CraZy August of 14)

I am so behind on this blog and I am sure things are not going to calm down anytime soon.  That means that I will just have to post what I can, when I can.

So much has happened and it all happened at the same time.  Kade was offered a new job in Blackfoot that started the 11th of August, just 15 days before my due date.  After much pondering and prayer we decided this would be the best decision for our family's future.  There was only two weeks before the new job started so...we looked around for a place to live and couldn't find anything very affordable. We were very sad at our findings.  If you recall we own a home in Idaho Falls, close to the temple, that has had renters in it for over two years.

After more prayer, and tears from the prego lady, we felt a push to move back into our home.  We had to give a month notice and so that put us not being able to move in until the first part of September.  This was so close to my due date, so more tears and stress from me.  We felt so much guidance for this move, but it was still hard to accept, even if it was what we needed to do.

We had to figure out what to do next, because we had nowhere to live for 3ish weeks.  I didn't want to live with family because I know how stressful and hard that can be.  I really didn't want to step on toes and be in everyone's hair.  We were in everyone's hair anyway, even if I didn't want it that way.

Kade's parents were so kind and let us borrow their very nice RV, which we parked in my sisters yard for those three weeks.  ~Now the last weeks of pregnancy are super long, this made things even longer and more stretched out. ~  Between my sisters house and my parents we survived.  We had our own place but we had family to make times better.  My kids had a blast being so close to my family for so long, but man I know it wore everyone else out. 

On Saturday, August 23rd, three days before my due date, Kade had a day off so we headed up to box up the trailer house.  Word traveled fast through the ward and before 4 o'clock that day we were ready to move out. I was in shock with how much love and support we received. We have never been able to get a house packed that fast. 

Only problem, we still didn't have a place to move, the renters did end up moving out faster then originally planned and on the 29th (3 days past due date) we were given the green light to move in. 

There were some problems, they had pets, and the house reeked!  They had the carpets cleaned 2x's and it still stunk soooo bad.  We pulled up the carpets and white washed the floors and all the walls in the effected areas.  They had painted the kitchen and I hate the new color, so it still needs work, but we left that for later.  The house is mostly white now with new smelling carpet, it made a huge difference. We were sad we had to do so much work, it caused us to push back our move in date, plus carpet isn't' cheap! :(

My due date came and went, almost a whole week.

I ended up going into labor the last day in August, Lex wanted to make sure that the month of August was as long and drawn out as possible ;)
I ended up giving birth to him on the day that I originally told everyone I was due.  I always go over and I hate when people text and call asking if I have had a baby yet.  So, I just went a week past my due date and told everyone that date...I am a better guesser then the ultrasound.  :D Lex is a lucky boy, he shares his Birthday with Paul and Annie's Anniversary.  It really fits because they were so kind to let us crash for so long at their house, it is a tribute to their awesomeness.

We were still living in the RV when I went into labor.  After Lex was born we stayed at my parents house so they could help me with kids.  Carpet was installed the 5th of September.  On the 6th of September everything was loaded, moved, and put into our home, lots of boxes! On Tuesday the 9th we went up and spent our first night.  Finally, a place of our own!

Basically, there is no progress with the unpacking.  There is so much to unpack and put away, but I'm just sitting here holding my baby and soaking in his baby smell.  I love baby snuggles.  

Just us, July 2014

New things are in the works. Our lives are all going to change drastically. In just 27 days or a little more baby 3 will be here. It has just drug on and on, but now that there is a month left I am afraid it will go too fast. I am praying things will work out. 

Here are some pictures from the last few weeks. 

Kade drives his bike to work everyday. The family drove next to me while I was on a long walk the other day. 

The kids petting goats at the ward party

Family walk. 

Fun times at McDonalds. 

While mom was sewing Addyson crawled under the table for a nap. 

Walking as a family. 

Kade teaching Drake to drive...not my favorite idea :D

Crazy hair, half naked, wearing sunglasses. This is how we roll. 

Me getting huge

Family walk.  Trying to b okay with my face getting chubby...just keep telling myself it's water weight. 

Look What Is Finally Here!

June 4th I received this in the mail.

I waited almost a week to post about this because I didn't know if I should.  I mostly am for journal purposes. Try to ignore my negative demeanor.

The last 3 years I have gone to school non-stop, not including summers.  I went from full-time in class, to part-time online, back to part-time in class.  I can't even explain how selfish I have felt in doing this.

What? Selfish?  That's right, this school experience has taken so much time away from my kids and husband.  Plus, the whole time I was going and getting in a mountain of debt I knew that this degree wouldn't help our family out financially!  Sounds pretty selfish right?   Then, I decided I wouldn't finish after all but instead get an associates degree and stop because I couldn't justify anymore spending.

I can't describe how much work and tears went into my schooling, and yet I don't feel like I can celebrate it.  My brother, asked if I felt relief, the answer is I don't, I feel unfinished.  I feel like there is more for me to do.  But for some reason I can't go anymore until I am either closer to school or have a place for my kids to be.  I decided to be a mom, and that is what I need to focus on, because balancing home and school is tough.  I don't feel like you can give 100% if your time is so split up.

Kade is the one that should be given a certificate.  He would go to work everyday, just to come home and be with the kids, while I hid in the bedroom with my books.  He is seriously so patient and hard working.  He puts his kids first, spends so much time with them, and because of this they will always know he loves them more then life.

Ignore the really yucky nose.  We were riding four-wheelers...and having a blast.  

The 2006 Uplander

We sold my van. It was a good thing but I am still going to miss it. It was just another payment that we can't afford and so it is nice to have that over and done with.

I wish it gave us more financial freedom to be without it, but it didn't make a huge dent in our finances, I guess every bit helps. 

The day after we sold the van our alternator went out in the car I drive. We went from 4 running vehicles to 2. Kade had to drive his truck to work a few times so that I could use his commuter car (without power steering) to go into town. If you want a good arm workout drive a vehicle without power steering, you would be amazed at how sore it can make you. :)

For journal purposes here is a picture of my van that is no longer with us.