Heavy Feelings

I feel like I haven't written as much as I would like. Mostly because I've been filled with different emotions. I've been trying to sort through things the last month and although life can be confusing it helps to have an understanding husband and comfort knowing God is over all. This is a heavy post; skip now if you need something more uplifting. :)

Around a month ago I had a cousin who ended his life. From what I understand he fought a long hard battle and I hope he has found his piece. The darkness can be so thick at times, and some people may never understand the fog, I myself have caught glimpses of the dark.  I find it very hurtful whenever people talk about suicide being selfish or cowardly, if you don't understand these heavy emotions please don't judge those who live with them. Fighting is how it should be describe, and it is EXHAUSTING. 

The battles I have fought are probably not even close in difficulty compared to other peoples.  I feel I understand a little and am very empathetic towards anyone who has ever felt the desire to end their pain and suffering. 

Suicide always raises questions and I often wish I would have done or said something to help. I don't want other family members or friends to ever feel alone or embarrassed by their emotions.  If talking about it would have saved one of my two handsome cousin's lives, I wish I would have spoken up.  I wish I would have known they were struggling.  I am sad to know, how sad they must have been.

At Riley's funeral the bishop spoke; it really stuck with me.  He talked about how Riley will have some things to work on in the after life; but not to judge and not to forget that we all do (have things we need to work on). Like Riley I must work on myself;  I don't know what is to come.   I took such comfort being reminded that I need to focus on myself and bettering myself; I am the only person I have any control over.

Right now my immediate family has been going through some hard emotions, I am being vague but I just need to get some of it out.  Maybe at a later date I will be able to talk about it more.  Change is hard and so is fighting; I feel right now that we are more divided that united, I hate it! My head has been really tied up with the roller coaster of it all., I take comfort in knowing there is an end somewhere and that we will all work it out, because in the end we are family!

Life is difficult sometimes, but only to see the greatness around us!