I miss my friend!

Part of this last year has been a haze. Although, I have struggled, I know two people have struggled more. But I still DO struggle, even if not at the same capacity my feelings are still relevant, even if only to myself.

I lost a brother this year...and even tho not by death the loss is still very real. I will never get to see him in the same way. We will not chat at family party's or see each other on special occasions. The world isn't the same and I can't wrap my head around it...still...after some time. It has rocked me....

Time, is the only thing I can think of that will help me heal, but it moves so slow. 

I love and miss you, and I wish I could help you heal as well. You will always be my brother and always be my friend. 

Heavy Feelings

I feel like I haven't written as much as I would like. Mostly because I've been filled with different emotions. I've been trying to sort through things the last month and although life can be confusing it helps to have an understanding husband and comfort knowing God is over all. This is a heavy post; skip now if you need something more uplifting. :)

Around a month ago I had a cousin who ended his life. From what I understand he fought a long hard battle and I hope he has found his piece. The darkness can be so thick at times, and some people may never understand the fog, I myself have caught glimpses of the dark.  I find it very hurtful whenever people talk about suicide being selfish or cowardly, if you don't understand these heavy emotions please don't judge those who live with them. Fighting is how it should be describe, and it is EXHAUSTING. 

The battles I have fought are probably not even close in difficulty compared to other peoples.  I feel I understand a little and am very empathetic towards anyone who has ever felt the desire to end their pain and suffering. 

Suicide always raises questions and I often wish I would have done or said something to help. I don't want other family members or friends to ever feel alone or embarrassed by their emotions.  If talking about it would have saved one of my two handsome cousin's lives, I wish I would have spoken up.  I wish I would have known they were struggling.  I am sad to know, how sad they must have been.

At Riley's funeral the bishop spoke; it really stuck with me.  He talked about how Riley will have some things to work on in the after life; but not to judge and not to forget that we all do (have things we need to work on). Like Riley I must work on myself;  I don't know what is to come.   I took such comfort being reminded that I need to focus on myself and bettering myself; I am the only person I have any control over.

Right now my immediate family has been going through some hard emotions, I am being vague but I just need to get some of it out.  Maybe at a later date I will be able to talk about it more.  Change is hard and so is fighting; I feel right now that we are more divided that united, I hate it! My head has been really tied up with the roller coaster of it all., I take comfort in knowing there is an end somewhere and that we will all work it out, because in the end we are family!

Life is difficult sometimes, but only to see the greatness around us!

Grandpa Metcalf

This last Thursday we went to Kade's Grandpa's Funeral.  Although, I didn't know him well, he was always so funny and entertaining.  He always made it a point, when we would hug goodbye, to whistle through his teeth.  He then would say, I only whistle at the pretty girls!  Which always made me feel good/special.  I am sure many of his grandkids heard him say that once or twice.  :)

There was one story they told at his funeral which made me laugh.  There were so many neat things they talked about.  A neighbor saw him walking his dog, which I guess he often did.  The way he would walk his dog was by driving his truck slow enough for the dog to follow.  When the neighbor asked why he didn't get out and walk?  He replied, "I haven't yet taught my dog how to drive!"  They also talked about how positive he was even after his wife passed away, he believed life was more enjoyable with a smile on.


I brought my camera in hopes that I would use it, I just felt so awkward taking pictures at the burial site that we just did it away from everyone else.  Here are the kids with the flowers they got.  They soon destroyed them in the car.

Those were the only pictures that I dared to take, me and my weirdness.  

This one was taken at his 90th birthday party.

Below is a copy of the obituary of Grandpa Lynn.

Lynn Jay Metcalf

1922 - 2014 

Lynn Jay Metcalf, 91, of Leslie, Idaho, passed away Wednesday, February 19, 2014, in Idaho Falls, Idaho.

He was the fourth of seven children born to Jesse Earl Metcalf and Alice Lucinda Freeman Metcalf. He was born July 17, 1922, in the family farmhouse south of Ucon, Bonneville County, Idaho. Their family moved to the Lost River Valley in 1939.

Lynn married Shirley Dean Hobley in the Idaho Falls LDS Temple on April 24, 1946, and they had five daughters.

He was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and filled various callings in the Leslie Ward. He was set apart as Second Counselor in the Leslie Ward Bishopric on May 20, 1956, and was ordained a High Priest by Sterling W. Sill. Through the years, he faithfully served in various callings in the Leslie Ward (Sunday School Superintendency, Moore Stake Single Adult Leader and Moore Stake Mission Leader, etc.).

Lynn was a successful farmer and rancher in the Lost River Valley and has been an asset to both the community and valley for many years. He enjoyed farming and raised hay, grain, potatoes, pigs, chickens and cattle. The farm was transformed through the years from dikes and dirt ditches, cement ditches and siphon tubes to hand lines, wheel lines and pivot sprinkler systems.He was a knowledgeable mechanic and made his farm machinery and tractors last as long as he could. He was a member of the Mackay School Board, representing his district for six years and served as Chairman for the Agriculture Stabilization Committee (ASC) for several years. He also served on the Farmers Home Administration (FHA) committee. When televisions first came out, he became a distributor and sold approximately 200 black and white televisions. If people in the community had problems with them, he re-paired them in the evenings after he had worked on the farm all day. When the television industry changed from tubes to transistors and color televisions, he decided he either needed to go to school to learn about the new advances in technology or quit. He took great pleasure in farming so he gave up this sideline business, but added others as he sold Frantz Oil Filters, Amsoil, Mainline Garden Tillers, magnets, commercial fertilizers, and even installed a large scale for weighing hay and grain in Leslie that he believed would benefit the community. At one time he did custom baling for eight farms using a Freeman Bailer. He welcomed new technology and enjoyed learning new things. He actively served his neighbors and would plow snow from their driveways and began a tradition of giving them a jar of honey every year for Christmas. He enjoyed picnics, hunting and fishing. He had a great sense of humor and love of life.

His first wife, Shirley, died in a semi-truck and pickup collision on July 25, 1980. He later met and married Velma Rasmussen Christensen, mother of one daughter and seven sons, on July 11, 1981, in Idaho Falls. Together Lynn and Velma served as missionaries in the Arkansas Little Rock Mission for 13 months in 1984-1985. He retired from farming in 2011 and leased the farm to Gary Wight, a grandson of his brother, Dale Metcalf. He and Velma restored and improved the old family farmhouse and barn in Leslie and moved into it in 2012 and enjoyed the memories associated with it.

He is survived by his wife, Velma Lilly Rasmussen; and three daughters, Anita Lyn (Richard) Freeman of Arco, Idaho, Lona Joy (Paul) Engberson of Terreton, Idaho, and Patti Renae (Craig) Bingham of Terreton, Idaho; and Velma's children, Theodore Jay (Carol) Christensen of Blackfoot, Idaho, Joseph Ervin (Rhonda) Christensen of Mackay, Idaho, Velma Lenora (Steve) Newton of Rigby, Idaho, Paul Arnold (Dot) Christensen of Grangeville, Idaho, Scott Rolf Christensen of Idaho Falls, Idaho, Wayne Lorin (Isabel) Christensen of Pocatello, Idaho, and Daniel Carl (Stephanie) Christensen of Salt Lake City, Utah. They have 57 grandchildren, 127 great-grandchildren and one great-great-grandchild.

He was preceded in death by his parents, Jesse Earl Metcalf (1895-1954) and Alice Lucinda Freeman Metcalf Wells (1897-1981); his first wife, Shirley Dean Hobley (1928-1980); his daughters, Cheryl Dean Metcalf (1958-1958) and Sally Ann (Cleve) Hymas (1953-2006); Velma's deceased son, Max Alden Christensen (1963-1968); and all of his siblings, Marvin Earl Metcalf (1916-1984), Verna Mary Moyer Knowlton (1917-1992), William Harold Metcalf (1920-1920), Dale Robert Metcalf (1924-2014), Alice Charmaine Anderson (1929-2007) and Gay Nelda Metcalf Owens Young Stott (1935-2013).

We will celebrate his life at a viewing in the evening from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. at the Moore LDS Stake Center on Wednesday, February 26, 2014. Another viewing and a family prayer will be held the next morning, Thursday, February 27, from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., with the funeral service beginning at 11 a.m., at the Moore LDS Stake Center. Dedication of the grave and burial will be in Leslie Cemetery in Leslie, Idaho, under the direction of Anderson Family Funeral Home, 2555 N. Highway 93, Arco, Idaho.

A New Adventure

This year, my number one goal was to start getting out of debt.  With the little income we make, it isn't hard to get in over your head.  I myself have always been on the frugal side, hating to spend money and loving to save it.  I can say our marriage has consisted of plenty of money talk and disagreement.  It has taken over 3 years but I believe my husband is starting to agree with me...probably not ;)

We are downsizing our rent payment!  So, we are moving again.  This time it isn't to a massive home with 6 bedrooms, it is to a single wide trailer home.  I am not excited about the limited space and future heating problems.  But at this point, it can't be more expensive to heat then the home we are currently in.  Although there isn't much room to grow where we are going and I will have to work on dejunking (something I stink at) it will be great in the end.  By doing this it isn't my proudest moment, in fact I would love to stay in this big home that I can't afford.  But I understand that I don't want to be weighed down by debt my whole life, so we will sacrifice, and pray to not be overrun by mice.

On a better note, I am excited!  We will be living close to Shyla (Kade's sister) and I will get to smell cow manure on a regular basis and hear bawling calves....makes me think of childhood :)  I am also excited to be able to fix up the trailer and make it beautiful.  Also, it is a pretty decent home, apart from wood paneling and yellow sinks, it is close to 1300 square feet, so it is a nice size for only a single wide.

Pictures???  Yeah, I will get more of those up, when I find the missing memory card.

Anyone have a solution for painting wood paneling?  I don't love it and don't wanna put sheet-rock up...Oh the 70's had style, ick.

We have to be out by the end of this month, I am sure hoping for time to fix things up.  If anyone is bored they are welcome to come help with some DIY projects, or babysitting!

Late nights!

I love night time.  I love when my kids are in bed and I can cuddle and eat treats with Kade.  I love, love, love my babies but I spend all day with the young ones.  When Kade gets home all I wanna do is soak up our limited time.  He is more of a turn in early type, unless it is a Saturday night.  I end up spending at most 4 hours a day with the love of my life.

Anyway, I love my alone time.  I watch what I want, do a tiny bit of homework, and play on the internet...what a time suck.  Although, I am always wasting my time, lately I haven't kept up on the blog.  SAD!  But I do always manage to stay up way to long.  I don't want to go to sleep, I want to have fun.

Most days, I feel like my life is on hold. I keep waiting to figure out where we are going to be living in a few months and nothing seems to be working out.  The large home we are in, was just a winter thing and now we are trying to find out what to do next.  Sometimes I wish life was a little easier.  Sure, I learn a lot, but I think it is time for my emotional vacation.  Can I have it easy for a while?  Okay, I will stop this whining, but I hate being in LIMBO!  Part of the problem is there is a small rent selection and everything is super expensive.  :(

I am called to be the relief society chorister, yeah no idea what I am doing.  But thanks to seminary and some choir classes, I am a good faker.

Anyway, on Sunday the 3rd we were at my parents and our cute dog Roxy ran off.  We couldn't find her.  I was super bummed.  A week later I finally got a call that she was safe and sound, she is on my feet right now :)  I was so glad that prayer was answered.

Today marks Kade being at his current job for 9 months (almost a record), and I am proud and pleased with him.  He works hard and provides for our family, what a blessing he is.

He hates when I take pictures of him.  What a handsome man!

Addyson at the park.  She found puddles and was soaked but we had fun.

The rest are from Grandma Kunz's house 

VERY orange sunset

Tractor RIDE 

Kade and Drake.  I can never get them to both look at me at the same time.

This last picture is of Kade's newest car.  A 74 nova...he thinks it is a cool car.  He told me they are hard to find, but to me it is just another car.  It is funny that we are both into hobbies but I don't care  to know about his projects (I don't understand cars)  and he feels the same way about mine (he doesn't enjoy girly crafts).  This picture makes it look way more yellow then it is.

2012 A Year In Review

At a new year I am always so excited to start fresh, because there always seems to be such negatives, and I want to turn them around.  But every new year it seems that the last year was the worst yet, so some year I hope to look back and say "WOW what a good year"...I honestly can't list off very many positives about 2012, so I am glad to see it gone.


But last year and this year for a Christmas present my Bingham parents ask for a year in review.  So, I thought I would post a version it on here too, even though everything I am about to post is on the blog already, but here is a fast review!

Kade changed jobs again, (JUNE) but this time we moved.  We ended up moving twice!  

Blessing!

WE HAVE CHANGED A LOT IN 1 YEAR

We Got a Little Older, No Wiser I Am Afraid

We had stuff that went on

 We may never financially recover from my surgery :)  Dumb us, the only one in the family without health insurance had major surgery!  Life goes on, just keep swimming.

We did have some fun though!  I kept busy crafting away.

Kade kept busy with other things

We also worked a little this year.

 Kade did his share of mechanic work as well

We are still hard on animals, I didn't even get pictures of all the ones we owned, but here are the ones that stayed around the longest

We still have Roxie!

We celebrated a little, had some holidays.

Been married 3 years.

Oh, and we had a white Christmas!

We had a lot going on, between work, school, two babies, and all the fun in between   I am glad we made it out alive.  How was your year everyone? Hoping 2013 is our lucky year!

Stress

Did I mention that I joined a biggest loser FB club?  Yeah, and so far we have been doing it 5 weeks, 3 left in the time I have been doing it I have lost 15 pounds!  I have been in 1st place the last 2 weeks...so maybe I will actually  win the $230 prize.  I will keep my fingers crossed, and keep off the chocolate.

These are my before pictures....except I took them about 2 weeks after I started.  These are motivating because they remind me of my maternity pictures I took, what a belly!   

I don't look any better and it discourages me because all I have done to lose weight is have my appendix out, stayed sick for 2 weeks following that, and cut out most of my sugar.  :D

I wasn't going to post about it at all but I got excited that I am in the lead 2 weeks in a row!

Apart from procrastinating my midterms in school, we have been moving a lot lately   Kade doesn't get off of work until six and it only stays light for an hour after that.  So, every time we go to move and get stuff done, we don't get a lot done.   We are out of the little white house in Mud Lake, all of that stuff is in boxes in the new house in Mud Lake.  We went last night to the house in IF and the upstairs got cleaned, and the downstairs got pushed into a corner???  Yeah, Kade's alternator went out in his truck so we were unable to pull a trailer to haul the rest of our stuff.

His alternator? In his new truck?  Yes, that is our luck.

But he can replace it himself so it will be about $120 for a new one :( but that is all it will cost and that is with his parts discount....at least we wont have to replace the batteries as well.  It would have been 400 for new batteries  whooo, good thing we didn't need to replace those.


On a happy last note, because not much is happy on this post, my friends Brad and Nikki Black are in the hospital right now having baby number 2!

BIG UNKNOWN

Kade got a new job... details later.

We are most likely moving due to the job change... EEK 

We don't know where we will live.  RENT? BUY? MOVE IN WITH OTHERS?

Unsure of what to do with our half finished home.  Sale? Rent?

And as far as my job and school, yeah not sure what I will be doing there.  Will I travel, transfer, or put it off?

I feel kind of lost right now, I hate the waiting period.  Where you just have to be patient and let thing work themselves out.  Too many unknowns and ifs in this situation.  I am excited for out new adventure and its outcome.  Just a little nervous and anxious about the journey to get there.

Last Hoorah

Adam and Jamie have left Idaho :(

We are sad too see them go but excited for them at the same time. Adam is finally a Podiatrist, congrats, and they have moved to Michigan for residency.   More then likely we wont be seeing that family for 3 years, unless one of us vacations.

We got to eat dinner together and have a last one on one time with their family on May 17th, it was fun!  Forgot to get pictures :(


There was one last party for Kade and Mama Patti's b-day, and Adam and Jamie's family.  We forced everyone to take pictures, although I don't have an excellent camera, I still got some cute pictures.  I hope to get copies of everyone else's pictures, hint, hint.


I have some pictures of everyone, they are on facebook as well, but it is nice to have an explanation behind them.

Sauer Girls

Lillian 

Tonisha 

Lilly & Nisha 

Sauer Kids

Buff Kaleb

All the grand kids that were there

Adam and Jamie Bingham Family

Not going to lie, not my favorite pictures, but we are all together.

MORE FUN

Kam high in a tree

Cute!

Adam was being funny, acting weak.

Their Boy's

 Kevin and his girlfriend Kelsey 

My Boys

Sauer Girls

Sauer Family

Swinging 

Only picture that I got of the parents!  Not the best because they wouldn't look at me, but still cute

Again good luck to your family Adam and Jamie!  Congratulations Adam on graduating, you worked hard!  And I am glad you guys are a family that is together, I can't imagine being away from your spouse/father for a year, you did it, you guys are awesome!